


Midnight Musings

by ConnorsWritingSux



Series: Yearly Thinking [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Codependency, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Everything Hurts, False Accusations, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Past Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21569752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConnorsWritingSux/pseuds/ConnorsWritingSux
Summary: Changes can be good or bad, it just depends on how you wanna see them.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Series: Yearly Thinking [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554499
Kudos: 30





	Midnight Musings

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again with the pain. Yeah, this is a vent. This is a continuation from the last one but it's gonna be a series to talk about changes.

Virgil couldn't believe just how much had changed in a year's time. He’d gone from a freshman in college to a sophomore. He’d made new friends and lost old ones, ones he knew wouldn't really last outside of high school. Hell, he’d even gotten the chance to work with a research program. It was a change, but it was a change for the better. 

That was one thing he constantly told himself. Yes, he was changing, his friend group had changed, and even his preferences and personality changed a bit, but change wasn't the end. Change had made things better than they would've been otherwise. Change had…

Change meant no more Roman.   


* * *

Letting out a breath he didn't know he’d been holding, Virgil stared up at the projected stars on his dorm ceiling as music played from his phone. It was a soft song,  _ Mitski’s _ Last Words of a Shooting Star. When it came on his playlist, he’d immediately turned it on repeat. Now that he had been laying there for a while, he wasn't entirely sure how many times he had heard the loop. 

It was a pretty song, soothing enough and Mitski was relatable, especially at that moment. As the colors on his ceiling changed from red to green to blue to purple and back again, Virgil hummed along to her words. 

_ And I am relieved that I’d left my room tidy _

_ They’ll think of me kindly _

_ When they come for my things _

With a quick glance to the small pile of laundry on his bed, he snorted. His room wasn't all that tidy. It was closer to organized chaos that was one tupperware container away from entropy. Either way, it was his room and he cleaned when he had the motivation and strength to do so. 

At the moment though, all he wanted to do was lie there and look at those stars, imagining a world outside of his own. A world where he wasn't so lonely all the time. A world where things worked out like they should. 

An idealistic, impossible, and irrational world. 

A pipe dream he shouldn't even try to chase. 

Sighing, he paused  _ Mitski _ , laying on his side and staring at the wall. Unlike this time last year, he had no boyfriend to text with his late night feelings. And despite what he first thought when they broke up, it was for the best. 

It's been nearly eight months since they broke up and half a year since Virgil cut off all contact with Roman despite the backlash and nasty comments from the man and his friends. Why? Because Virgil had changed. He’d grown from the teenager he’d been when he met and started dating Roman in their sophomore year of highschool. There were problems then, but they stuck together and Virgil held on hope that it would work out, that  _ they _ would be that one couple in high school that lasted. 

**Ha.**

With a bitter smile, Virge hugged a pillow close to his chest and curled around it. 

When college began and Virgil was an hour away, busy with school and learning to be a fully-functioning autonomous adult, Roman was…

Roman wanted him to stay, to be around all the time, wanted Virge to depend on him like he depended on the stressed student. So Virgil, still wanting to make their relationship work, he would visit Roman when he went home for the weekends. He’d neglected his own family for the guy he loved. Slowly though, as Roman started doing stuff Virgil wasn't comfortable with, Virge realized a few things. 

  1. He and Roman were not good for one another. They didn't argue or scream like other couples, but they weren't kids anymore. Roman wanted a boyfriend and a parent and Virgil just…he was tired. It got to the point where Roman would cry or be upset with him and Virgil would feel instant guilt and apologize even if he’d done nothing wrong. 
  2. Roman wanted more than he could give. Virgil considered himself asexual, and often questioned his romantic feelings. He would bring it up to Roman only to be met with the same passive aggressive anger and guilt-tripping. Virge did his best to accommodate Roman’s need for physical affection but he couldn't. It was lying to himself and lying to Roman. 



And 3: Virgil couldn't see himself being with Roman anymore. Anytime he brought up future plans, like owning a plot of land and a small farm or decent garden, Roman tried to insert himself as well. It didn't fit in Virgil’s mind and that's when he knew it wouldn't last. 

Not wanting to give up just yet, Virge told himself that he’d hold on until the last straw and then he’d be done. 

* * *

The last straw came on his birthday. 

Roman cheated. 

It wasn't the fact that he cheated that hurt the most, no. It was that he’d cheated and then lied to Virgil's face when he'd asked the other man directly. 

Roman sat and lied to Virgil with tear stains on his cheeks but a smile on his face. 

* * *

It went downhill from there as Roman began dating the same dude only days later and Virgil, not wanting to deal with Roman or his stupid selfies of himself and his new boyfriend, blocked him on social media. 

Apparently not all of them because he was alerted to Roman making a post about being blocked and how cruel it was to be blocked on some and not all. Not wanting to be misunderstood, he explained himself and left it there. 

He wasn't trying to deal with his ex and his bullshit when he had more important things to worry about, like research. 

Just a month or two down the line as he shared a summer dorm with his new best friend, Logan, Virgil made plans to grab his stuff from Roman’s place. Telling Logan and Patton where he’d be, Virgil got his stuff, fought back a panic attack until he was away from Roman's house, then drove home in tears. 

It wasn't that he missed Roman, on the contrary, he didn't miss the other man at all. It was the proximity of Roman, the way his ex just slid into his passenger seat and touched and talked to him like they were friends, like he hadn't been the cause of many of Virgil's panic attacks before. Roman tried insisting that Virgil keep the shirts that he’d brought from home but Virgil held firm and made the other man take them. When Roman didn't get out of the car after they said goodbye, Virgil tensed and ignored the hurt on Roman's face. He drove home and texted his friends everything, trying to get their opinions and reassurances that he did the right thing, that he was doing the right thing. 

Both of them supported him wholeheartedly, as did his family when he told them, giving him tight hugs and affection. He much preferred their affection to Roman's any day.   


* * *

He had a moment of weakness. It was the last time he spoke to Roman. They were having a decent conversation up until Roman began casually listing all of Virgil's faults, not listening or allowing him to speak to refute the words. It broke his heart as he listened to accusation after accusation. It didn't help that he was apparently just an abuser in Roman’s friends’ eyes, only listening to what Roman had to say and never meeting or talking to Virgil before. 

That was what drove him to cut off contact completely. He couldn't deal with people he didn't know, who didn't know him or their relationship, making judgments based on one side of the argument. He hated that Roman absolved himself of all guilt and blame by placing it solely on Virgil's shoulders as though he'd done everything. 

So Virgil cut himself off from those people, not wanting to hear them or deal with their words as he worked on his summer research with a mournful heart. 

He recovered fast enough with love and support from his friends, time in the lab, and family time at home. He recovered and bounced back stronger than ever. 

Even now, as he lay curled up around his pillow, Virgil knew he was doing better alone than he had been with his ex. It wasn't that he hated Roman, he was indifferent towards him. Roman had been a part of his life in highschool and slightly in college but that was done and not worth fretting over. Roman couldn't give him a degree at the end of the four years anyway so it didn't matter. 

Turning back over onto his back, Virgil pressed play on the music again, eyes closing as the stars went from red to green to blue to purple and back again. The colors stopped; the battery had finally died. 

In the darkness of his room, Virgil sang along. 

_ I am relieved that I’d left my room tidy _

_ Goodbye _

**Author's Note:**

> I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Let me know if you liked this at all. Thanks. 
> 
> -C


End file.
